Precautions for Town’s Second Pumpkin Chucking Contest
Happy Fall, everyone! Thanksgiving weekend is fast-approaching, and we are pleased to announce, after a very close council vote, that we will be hosting another Pumpkin Chucking event! Having said that, we all learned a lot from last year. The high school has graciously agreed to let us use the football field again, but please note the following, so we can ensure a fun and safe environment for everyone:
The use of gunpowder and/or explosives is strictly forbidden. We thought this was clear for our first contest, but we will perform thorough inspections of all participating mechanisms this time. Many of last year’s devices caused turf damage that resulted in at least two ankle sprains in the latter part of the Knights’ season.
The fire department will be on the premises, but their team will not be allowed to use the ladder truck for their launching mechanism. This apparently violated several state regulations, so we have to use this year’s registration fees to cover the fines (and pay for a more permanent fix for the gymnasium windows.)
We intended to have a trebuchet-/catapult-only competition, but after receiving a flurry of anonymous faxes to the town hall office, we have decided to include a separate category for pneumatic devices. Operators of these devices will be required to stand behind a blast shield, and the spectator safety fence will be moved back 30 feet.
Instead of a cash prize, all ticket proceeds will go towards the Hal Lewis Memorial Fund. Hal was a huge fan of last year’s event, which he spent running up and down the sidelines screaming, “Chunk those f****** punks!” Hal passed away while skydiving last month at the age of 103.
The high school is an Alcohol & Drug Free Zone, even on weekends.
No modified pumpkins. This means no pumpkins filled with lead shot, no “lubed” pumpkins, no metal objects painted to look like pumpkins, etc.
We will be chunkin punks in the opposite direction this year. Participants should set up at the northern end of the field and aim away from the parking lot; several attendees were left stranded without drivable vehicles last year.
Pastor Davis from the Congregational Church will man the golf cart as the official referee. He expects that any disputes that arise will be handled in a “virtuous” manner. Do not aim for the cart, or you will be disqualified from the competition and barred from Sunday service.
Despite its overwhelming popularity, we absolutely cannot condone another Wild Western Shootout finale.
This is a family event, so many of you need to revisit your team names and logos. Let’s stay away from words that rhyme with ‘chuck’ and acknowledge that any nudity is really just thematically forced.
We appreciate your cooperation and look forward to seeing you all again soon! Remember to sign and initial all 12 pages of the liability waiver, and please leave any surviving pets at home.